Mother

Mother

People may not take it as I think. Obviously, many people do not have the heart that I have. A stone heart! People may interpret it as my chase of money. They might also call me a mother having no maternal feeling and attachment. Really, it sounds absurd for many people. However, when one learns what I have undergone through, s/he will think that my decision was wise.

It all started soon after I was born. I was born in a rural village of Trishuli. I was a daughter so my parents did not send me to school after I completed grade three. They told me, as many parents say to their daughters, that I would be going to my in-law’s house one day to carry out their household jobs so my study would be futile. I did not bother to think about why parents did not send me to school because I did not know why I should go to school. However, I felt like crying when I would see my brothers going to school. I stayed in the house and gave my hands to my parents in the field. I got married to a man whom I had never seen before when I was 18. After my wedding we moved to Kathmandu and stayed in a rented room that was dingy in Bagbazar. We had rarely anything in the room except for some old utensils and a set of bedding to lie at night. The money that we had brought from the village got over in some days. We had no money left and my husband kept on running for jobs here and there. He found a job in NewRoad. He used to leave room early morning with a rope and Namlo on his hand and would be back late evening boozed. He hardly earned money enough to survive in Kathmandu. For few days I said nothing but pleaded to quit boozing with his porter mates. When survival was too difficult, I started going to a lady and helped her wash the dishes. I would earn fifteen hundred rupees a month. That money had helped us join our hands to mouths. After one and a half year I gave birth to a baby. He was cute and beautiful. When we had children, he seemed to have changed little. He started coming home sooner and did not drink too much. He would bring money enough to solve hand to mouth problem. But, after two months, he started drinking again and we started fighting. We fought with our landlords frequently for we could not pay the rent on time. Once I was so angry with him that I hit him on his head and chest which made him sick for two days. I noticed him to be changed for some days. But again we had the same old story repeated. 

It was six months after my delivery. One day, when I was in Dillibazar doing dishes at the Bahuni Bajai’s house, she said to me, “Maili don’t you think of earning money? Don’t you dream to have lots of money, so much that you can live your life in comfort? I replied her that everyone dreams to have money. The more you have the more you want to have it. It is never enough. I asked her if she had seen anyone who said that he had earned enough and did not want to earn anymore. She then told me that she has some ideas to offer me. She asked me if I was ready to give my baby boy to a couple from a different country. She knew that I had a baby because I told her that I just had delivery six months back when I was taken to her house by a friend of mine for a job two months back. I did not speak a word to her and returned back to my room. I thought about it the whole and day and night. For a moment, I said to myself that I could do that because money was what I needed. I had been toiling all the time because I always had hand-to-mouth problem. But at the same time the motherly feeling in me scorned me for thinking so. I thought to myself that it would be heartless to hand my son to someone. He was the only person I loved and was alive for. How I could ever think to do so. But a moment later, I said to myself, “Maili, probably you should do this because your son would have a bright future. He would attend a good school and would not end up being a porter or a helper in local ‘Tampos’ but a doctor or probably pilot.” Finally, I decided to give the baby to that couple who according to Bahuni Bajai was from Amrica (the United States of America). The next day I went to her with the baby in my arm. He was so innocent and with starry eyes and smiley face. I hugged him all the way to Bahuni Bajai’s house. I did not need to ask my husband about this because he had stopped coming to me for two and a half months now. I heard that he had started seeing another girl who lived in Bangemudha, Asan.  I had heard that she ran a tea shop for porters of that area. My neighbour told me that they got married a month back at Bhadrakali temple. He did not bother about us after I hit him. He returned home very late. He did not bring any money. Instead he would take everything he would see. After a week or so he stopped coming back. I did not bother about him either because I never got any support from him. He was just another tension at home.

By the time I reached at Bahuni Bajai’s house, they were already there. Bahuni Bajai told me that they were Peter and Rosa. They were married for six years but had no child. The doctor had told them that Peter was sterile. When they put their problem to Raja, Bahuni Bajai’s son, who also worked at the same firm Peter and Rosa worked, he suggested them to visit Nepal. He had told them his mother would help them find a good baby. So, they had come to Nepal in search of a baby. Bahuni Bajai told me that they were asking me if I was ready to give the baby to them. I just nodded. When they asked Bahuni Bajai about the boy’s father, I requested her to tell them that he died two and half a month back when he was hit by a car while crossing the road at Shahidget. Then, they got out some papers and asked me to put my signature. I wrote my name on that. I felt it very difficult to hold the pen after 12 years.  I had lunch with the couple at Bahuni Bajai’s house. They prepared to leave at 1 in the afternoon. The couple told me that they had planned to fly back after a week after having the papers made for the baby. I gave them the baby with tears in my eyes. The baby also started wailing. I hurried back to my room. I cried the whole day and night. I did not cook anything in the evening and just sat on my bed. The next morning, when I was still crying for the baby, somebody knocked at the door. When I opened the door, I saw Bahuni Bajai at my doorstep. She had come to give me the money that the couple had left for me. She gave me two hundred thousand rupees that the couple had left for me. I told her that I would take the money after some days when I would be at her place to do the dishes or wash clothes. She suggested me to open a bank account and deposit the money in the bank. And, also ask me to come to stay at her house to live as a house maid. I did not tell her anything but cried. She gave me twenty thousand rupees to clear the house rent and buy some clothes and shift my things to Dillibazar. She left the room with tears in her eyes. She must have felt what I was undergoing when she saw my bleary red eyes. In the afternoon, I went to my neighbour the next door to ask for some water to drink because I had been thirsty for crying the whole day and night. She asked me about the boy. I told her that I left him at Bahuni Bajai’s place and I was also moving to her place that afternoon. In the meantime I heard someone calling me in my room. When I reached the room, I saw him standing there. He asked about the boy. I told him that he died of pneumonia two days before. He did not say anything but laughed and rummaged through the room. He saw the money that Bajai had left. He put the money in the pocket. He castigated me. He slapped me and pulled my hair. I did not do anything but tolerated with tears in my eyes. I did not feel like fighting back. He left after thirty minutes. He told me that he would be back two days later. I just lied on the floor that evening and night. I kept on crying all night for the boy. I wished for the bright future and a good life of boy all the time. The next morning I woke up and packed my few clothes and rolled my thin bed and went to Balaju. I got on a bus to Syapru Besi, Trishuli.